One month ago, right around this time, while I was sleeping, everything changed. And now my life is divided into before that moment and after that moment. I am sure the after part will get eventually better, but I definitely preferred the before bit. I still can’t really believe it is over.
6 April 2012.
This made me happy. But for the moment, even being happy makes me a bit sad.
The last few weeks have shaken my views of the universe and my place in it. And in the midst of all this, I am trying to sift through the mounds of pain and confusion to find some small nuggets of goodness that might be worth keeping. Two things I have found are humility and compassion.
More times than I care to remember during the past weeks, I have been that crazy woman that you see on the street that walks by crying or talking to herself. I’ve seen that woman before and have avoided her gaze and told myself I would never be her and why can’t she just keep it together. And yet here I am now: the crazy lady.
So what I have learned is that the gap between me and the “other” is much smaller than I believed it to be and in the blink of an eye I can find myself on the “other” side. As they, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” But even more than that, who am I to say that the crazy lady is even crazy at all? Maybe she is just having the worst day of her life. What do I know of her reality? But I don’t even need to take such an extreme example. The mother unable to control her screaming children, the frustrated, unfriendly cashier at the supermarket, the guy who cuts in front of me to get off the tram. Who knows what their full story is, but giving them the benefit of the doubt is the least I can do.
I know this because although I have been that crazy lady recently, I am not really crazy. I am just really sad, and sometimes the sadness spills out and at those moments I am always unspeakably grateful for the very few people who are able to meet my eye and, through some expression or gesture, help renew my belief that everything is going to be ok.
“…Maybe it is best to think of what we had and what we have and be grateful.”
Today Ben and I found a moment to sit by the river and talk about Justin. It was lovely and a welcome respite from the madness that has swept through my life.
Whenever we had looked at the ducks before, Ben had always said the ducks were mama ducks. But today they were all papa ducks.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the generosity and kindness of our friends and family. Thank you all so much. I hope to be able to one day tell each of you exactly how much your kind words and incredibly generous actions have meant to us.
I was late to The Show by Ze Frank, but I instantly fell in love with it. Sadly, it ended soon after I discovered it. But now he’s back with A Show. He kicks off with “an invocation for anyone who hasn’t begun.” Go watch if you need a kick in the pants to start that thing you’ve been putting off.
“There is no need to sharpen my pencils anymore. My pencils are sharp enough. Even the dull ones will make a mark.”
My name is Anamaria. I am Colombian-American. I live in Switzerland with my Canadian-British husband and our three kids, who are four and under. Also we have a dog. He is Scottish.
I like reading (sci-fi, zombies, vampires), brunch, making things, and the quiet at 2am when everyone else is asleep.
Life is pretty crazy but I try to take it all in and not let it overwhelm me because the days may seem long, but the years go by quickly and I would hate to miss any of it.
